The Victim Mind Set and Unhelpful Attention Seeking Behaviours

The Victim Mindset and Unhelpful Attention/Status-Seeking Behaviours (Updated Dec 2025)

I last updated this piece in 2015, but here is another new update with a few more observations.

This specific blog article about the victim mindset has probably provoked more discussion than any other post to date. I even had a business request to remove a link to my blog from their site because they disagreed with the content.  I respectfully suggested that they missed the key message in this blog, which is that some clients (NOT ALL CLIENTS) play the victim to manipulate the therapist. I have seen this behaviour over many years, and in my view, those who have a knee-jerk reaction to this kind of discussion are probably the ones being influenced by it…

Red Flags, ignore at your peril…

Over the last 20 years I have noticed several red flags in identifying such characters and strongly advise watching out for such flags and not simply thinking “He/She’s a nice person, I’m sure they mean well” because if you don’t pay attention you will be drawn into burning a huge amount of time and energy entertaining their attention/status seeking behaviours! Here are some simple pointers to watch out for

1. They will always insist that you “need” to meet their complete expectations about how “everything” should be done
2. They are often isolated individuals who feel their work/art has not been appreciated by the wider world – as my old boss would say ‘Well balanced, a chip on both shoulders!”
3. They will engage in endless verbose communication and have no respect for other people’s time or views
4. They will pivot from playing the victim to being quite aggressive
5. If unchecked, they can cause others a huge amount of distress, so it’s best to ensure you firewall all communications, or you become complicit in encouraging
6. They will ALWAYS escalate their behaviour and spend hours obsessing about imagined “injustice”
7. No amount of reasoned discussion will result in any sensible meeting of minds!
8. Often they will be resentful and harbour grudges that can go on for years as they are stuck in their own “attention/status seeking loop” of mental hyperactivity

 

The Victim Mindset

I was talking recently to a professional colleague about what I call “the victim mindset” and “attention seeking behaviours”. Such individuals who consider themselves as “victims” believe that “others” are responsible for how they feel, think and the overall situation in life. This kind of thinking is increasingly very common in society, and I have seen many clients with this attitude. The individual insists that their life predicament is wholly the result of other people’s actions. This reminds me of the “it’s not your fault stance in Provocative Therapy and Provocative Change Works approaches.

Such individuals always blame everyone else for their life situation, and when actually given advice and assistance, they often complain that they are being “bullied!” Essentially, they want to have their cake and eat it; they request assistance and advice but don’t actually want to do anything differently or take the advice. They then voice “concerns” and “moans” either anonymously to anyone who will listen or to the actual person they have an issue with. The pattern is endless attention- and status-seeking behaviour.

I have increasingly witnessed this behaviour in recent times, and some of the examples are really quite fascinating. This victim mindset usually leads to longstanding resentment, with the person increasingly ruminating about how they feel others have wronged them. Some even decide against all advice to have their day in court and seek legal rulings, rather than discussing it directly with the person seen as the responsible party. This kind of behaviour often occurs in online interactions as the “victims” seek attention to support their beliefs of being “wronged” by other parties. I have seen many examples of this over the years, and the ‘victims” make ever more ludicrous claims about being wronged by others. These individuals will seek to rally support from all quarters to confirm their own views. They spend an extraordinary amount of time and energy on this, fueled by the belief that they have “been wronged” and need to be heard. It’s one of the many aspects of this attention- and status-seeking behaviour. The level of delusion at times is quite remarkable as people insist they are being “attacked” by others, but of course always duck any direct engagement with who they feel is “attacking” them!

Don’t interact unless you want to spend hours wasting valuable time!

My advice is always to refrain from engaging such individuals, as this only encourages them to continue with further attention-seeking behaviour. Many such individuals find it hard to interact or work with others and seek out like-minded individuals who will agree with the perceived wrongdoing. Online, this creates a pack-type mindset, and this behaviour is very common on social networking groups such as Facebook.

Common phrases uttered (always to others) by such folks include –

“He/She made me…”
“They did X to me…”
“People should…”

‘You need to”

This behaviour occurs in both business and social contexts. In the business context, the imagined victim is unable and unwilling to separate social interactions from professional relationships, and, unsurprisingly, this creates all kinds of problems. The victim believes that being confronted with other points of view constitutes being “bullied” rather than being called to account for their actions. Many of these problems continue because the victim won’t actually clarify the “issue” with the person they imagine is bullying them! They will, however, spend endless hours moaning to others and engage in attention-seeking behaviour as “the victim”
This lack of acceptance of personal responsibility is the central theme of this behaviour. They also seek to apportion ALL BLAME to third parties they imagine are “responsible” for making them “feel this way.” By playing the victim role, they can attempt to elicit sympathy and remain the centre of attention endlessly. This imagined victim stance is very different to genuine victims in life who have real-life problems. The central theme is being “wronged” by everyone else.

To quote a famous “Carry On” movie – “Infamy, infamy, they all have it in for me!”

The best advice I can give for working with such folks is not to be drawn into the attention-seeking behaviour. They will usually insist that others behave and respond in a particular manner and have a hissy fit if they don’t get their own way. I have seen some wonderful temper tantrums and outbursts over the years, and as my friend Andrew T Austin would comment, “Your behaviour is not going to dictate my response”

Often they will try to get attention by speaking to a third party, and again the best strategy is DO NOTHING; don’t buy into this.

Many such clients used these manipulations for years, getting everyone to dance to their tune! The “victim” always has a vested interest in maintaining the problem state and, despite what they proclaim, is ultimately not interested in any views other than their own. Of course, some traditional therapeutic practitioners may well disagree with these views, which is their right. Still, I fully stand by my observations based on many years of seeing this type of behaviour. If you are a therapist or practitioner, I strongly advise you to have a policy of setting clear guidelines for accepting clients.

Many such individuals who play the “victim” tend to request refunds when the practitioner challenges their unhelpful mindset! They will also have a tendency and a history of blaming everyone and everything else for their problems and of avoiding any personal responsibility for their actions.  They will be involved in numerous complaint processes in which they feel “justified” in holding others to account. In really extreme cases, they will be well known to the police, as they are unable to behave with any reason or good manners.

The tragedy is that such clients don’t realise they are literally victims of their own self-obsessed thinking and their lack of appreciation for anyone genuinely attempting to help them!

Most clients are a pleasure to work with and appreciate that they are paying for the practitioner’s time. However, in rare circumstances, some clients who “play the victim can become obsessive. In all such situations, never respond to such attention-seeking behaviours and keep a complete record of all communications.

 

Sympathy plays, “it’s all about me!”

My experience over the decades is that such individuals can be extremely devious and crucially blame everyone and everything else for their own predicament. One of the nuttiest examples of this was a character who claimed “memory loss” through having longstanding food poisoning as a mitigating factor in her stalking a well-respected practitioner. Of course, the supposed memory loss was extremely selective, and the medical experts commented that the self-diagnosed condition was actually little more than a mild stomach upset and would in no way create such an imagined psychological problem!

This is, of course, just one of a whole list of sympathy plays, and these individuals can be quite convincing. Often a therapist or trainer who has sensibly blocked communications from an attention seeker will then be contacted by all manner of other people who they barely know. I had a pm on social media by somebody wanting a Skype call “to discuss the allegations’ I applauded the person for their concern but also pointed out the elusive obvious factor that it had absolutely nothing to do with them, and this was yet another attempt by “the victim” to position themselves as the centre of attention.

I’m noticing more and more extreme “sympathy plays” from these kinds of clients. They often lament their circumstances and spend hours on social media, seeking sympathy from others. Of course, the sympathetic groups are not helping these individuals and only adding to the problem!

 Legal action and restraining orders are sometimes needed…

In extreme cases with these kinds of attention seekers, it’s best to let the appropriate authorities take charge. Although the process can be slow, eventually all such individuals are held to account. Be aware that this can be very time-consuming, but often there’s little choice when someone becomes fixated on being the centre of attention. Many such individuals will make all manner of ill-advised posts and claims that defy common sense. It’s easy to screenshot the ever-unfolding website content that usually escalates, and they increasingly try to garner attention for their imagined cause.  In one instance, I spent two years avoiding any contact with one of these characters and ultimately obtained a legal restraining order against the person. It’s a monumental waste of my time, of course, but sometimes you really have no choice. One thing you can count on is that this will not be the first time such a person has behaved this way…

Fortunately, these situations are somewhat rare, and most clients behave with excellent manners and refrain from such time-wasting self-serving behaviour! Experienced therapists and practitioners will inevitably encounter some of these types. Medics will also be familiar with such characters who endlessly insist that everyone else should behave, and, unfortunately, a huge amount of public money and time is spent on such nonsense.

The characters that won’t/can’t let go

Here we are in 2024, after many years of the COVID-19 pandemic. Although there is a vaccine for covid 19, unfortunately there is still no vaccine for attention seekers and those invested in “the victim mindset” We’ve recently had Frank Farrelly’s official Provocative Therapy website spammed by a character insulting Frank and at the same time trying to use Frank’s official site to promote his own attempt as “redefining Provocative Therapy” Once I removed the blatant attempts to freeload off Frank’s site by adding links to his own site, we were met with a tirade of complaints and as usual its never a single post, but endless attention seeking complaints. Fortunately, this is not typical of Provocative Therapy in Russia.

As well as endless off-topic results, I then receive the inevitable verbose emails also complaining about imagined injustices, both to myself and now to members of my family and professional colleagues. Yes, it’s attention-seeking on a grand scale. Next, I start receiving a series of phone calls at 6.30 am, after an email that includes the line.

“I hope that sets the tenor for my first call at 6:30 am waking you from your slumber?”

The fact that anyone would make unsolicited phone calls at 6.30 am is in itself a bit odd. The fact that they would announce this and then be unaware of how rude it is shows a truly dysfunctional level of behaviour.

What then follows is, predictably, more unsolicited international calls, followed by an online payment for a client session, which I immediately refunded. It’s classic attention-seeking behaviour, and you can be certain that this is not the first time they have behaved in this manner. This instance of website spamming and the unsolicited calls within 12 hours could be pure coincidence. Still, in twenty years of clinical work, this would be the only example of such calls and coordinated e-mail solicitations. It’s rare for me to refuse to see clients, but two decades of clinical work have taught me that when people make approaches like this with no manners of basic respect, there’s no point in wasting any time with such characters. The key, as suggested, is to take screenshots of everything and let them dig a massive hole for themselves. Some of the reactions are so bonkers, you really couldn’t make it up. I leave you with one genuine example from a character who has zero training in Provocative Therapy and, after a 3-day introductory training in PCW (which, of course, is different to Frank’s work), decided he was equipped to be a Provocative Therapy trainer in Russia. You couldn’t make it up, and we’re gathering info for a possible legal case at present…

“Previously, he loved joking with friends about Russians going after toilets, but when things started getting uncomfortable, and money started jingling in the distance, somehow it dawned on him that he’d have to bend and bow to these Russian barbarians, because nowhere else in the world does anyone really need him or PT anymore.”

The first comment mystifies me, its so bizarre, but this is the usual tone of a bully/victim character and as my wife would say ‘He gives idiots a bad name.” I’m not sure about “the world needing me” but there’s never been so much interest in PCW and Frank’s work, with all manner of trainings happening online and across the globe. Yes, once again, pesky facts!

One thing is certain: this attention-seeking will escalate, and as always, I’ll document all this nonsense in anticipation of getting another restraining order. Usually these characters implode through their own actions without any help from me!

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All blog posts are, as clearly stated on this site, my personal opinions based on personal observations and experience over many years. I genuinely welcome anyone interested in discussion to post comments below; this is a far more constructive and positive way to interact and can only help us all better understand how best to serve clients seeking help.